Dear Paul,

IB次元官网网址檓 feeling exhausted with my husband. When we discuss almost anything these days we end up quarrelling until one of us gets fed up, quits and leaves the scene. ItB次元官网网址檚 definitely wearing us out.

Lorna

Lorna, in relationships there may be nothing more important to master than how we are with one another when we have our differences, hurts and grievances.

We are so quick to react and defend. Our personal reactions take over and cause real wear and tear.

Why do we do this?

Our brains are hard wired, at the slightest sense of feeling blamed, to deny and defend. ItB次元官网网址檚 like two reaction machines going off fueled and driven to be right.

B次元官网网址淒avid, I felt really uncomfortable at your momB次元官网网址檚 tonight. I know she doesnB次元官网网址檛 like me.B次元官网网址�

B次元官网网址淐ome on Sarah. You always say that. She went out of her way to be with you tonight.B次元官网网址�

B次元官网网址淚f thatB次元官网网址檚 going out of her way, it doesnB次元官网网址檛 work for me. I donB次元官网网址檛 like it at all.B次元官网网址�

B次元官网网址淢y mom has tried to be friends with you since before we married. YouB次元官网网址檝e been so sensitive. YouB次元官网网址檙e over reacting.B次元官网网址�

B次元官网网址淚 think the problem here is I get no support from you.B次元官网网址�

And just what are we being right about? Our view of B次元官网网址渞eality.B次元官网网址�  Who has the correct B次元官网网址渞eality,B次元官网网址� the true, the real and correct view of whatB次元官网网址檚 happening B次元官网网址� as though there is one.

WhoB次元官网网址檚 right? WhoB次元官网网址檚 wrong? What really happened? On it goes, back and forth B次元官网网址� in our relationships, in our families, in our community, in our nations.

LetB次元官网网址檚 reflect a moment. Is there a right or wrong B次元官网网址渞eality?B次元官网网址�

More likely, there is your interpretation or experience of what happened and their interpretation. There is no B次元官网网址渞ightB次元官网网址� or B次元官网网址渨rongB次元官网网址� reality, just the different positions from which we view.

The thing to notice when two people are working to be right about B次元官网网址渞ealityB次元官网网址� is that no one is listening.

Someone once said, B次元官网网址淵ou have two ears and one mouth.B次元官网网址� DoesnB次元官网网址檛 that tell us something?

I suggest we really donB次元官网网址檛 appreciate how powerful listening is in our relationships. How often things clear up when someone doesnB次元官网网址檛 counter or deflect, when someone listens with a commitment to understand.

So Lorna, you want a fresh start with your partner? Try this:  When you sense differences and conflict, begin by offering your partner your open and curious listening.

How many of us have the willingness to listen to someone this way, especially when they are upset with us or itB次元官网网址檚 close to home. ThatB次元官网网址檚 the big one isnB次元官网网址檛 it?

Being still and listening to the other when they are upset with us? These moments definitely challenge for us all.

HereB次元官网网址檚 a suggestion. Agree with your partner to have only one person upset at a time. The other listen. If your partner is troubled and voicing their upset, then you take it on to listen.

Give yourself over to really seek to understand how it is for them. When they are upset, see if you can stay open and present.

If you are upset invite them to listen for you that way.

When youB次元官网网址檙e listening, donB次元官网网址檛 try to fix anything. Or change anything. Or get off the hook or make it better. Or teach them anything. DonB次元官网网址檛 give advise. Simply listen to their experience and reflect the understanding youB次元官网网址檝e gained by your listening.

B次元官网网址淒avid. I felt really uncomfortable at your momB次元官网网址檚 tonight. I know she doesnB次元官网网址檛 like me.B次元官网网址�

B次元官网网址淵ou sound hurt Sarah. What happened tonight with mom? When did you feel that way?B次元官网网址�

Being curious, being with your partner with nothing to defend, staying open in the desire to understand B次元官网网址� now thatB次元官网网址檚 unique.

IB次元官网网址檓 told in aboriginal communities when they gather in healing circles, the one speaking has hold of the B次元官网网址渢alking stick.B次元官网网址�

No one interrupts until he or she has completely finished, until he has said all he has to say, then he passes the stick to another. He has said it all. He is finished. He is complete. He feels heard. And then it is anotherB次元官网网址檚 turn.

Our listening for one another is powerful, an amazing gift we have to give one another.

Our open listening is the foundation for being related and for intimacy. Take this on and see the difference it makes.

pbeckowletstalk@shaw.ca

B次元官网网址� Paul Beckow is an individual, marriage and family therapist on the West Shore. See www.paulbeckow.com.