Remember when Prince Charming kissed his Valentine, the beautiful Sleeping Beauty? He carried her up those stairs, and we saw them disappear behind the palace doors.

The story ends there. WeB次元官网网址檙e told they lived B次元官网网址渉appily ever after.B次元官网网址�

Now most of us know this just isnB次元官网网址檛 so. B次元官网网址淗appily ever afterB次元官网网址� is a fairy tale. In real life, finding your prince or princess is not the end of the story B次元官网网址� itB次元官网网址檚 the beginning. And the real question is after you find your Valentine, then what?

From my experience counselling couples, knowing the challenges that face any couple on the journey to real enduring friendship, here are five fundamental skills meant to support you in keeping your partnership healthy and satisfying.

Tip No. 1.

Learn to make yourself happy

There is nothing more important in relationship than learning to make yourself happy. It is an art and begins as you let go of your hope or expectation in which youB次元官网网址檙e holding your partner responsible for your life turning out.

Looking after ourselves is a clear life skill. It has something to do with learning to be able to quiet ourselves, to enjoy or be present to lifeB次元官网网址檚 simple moments, to satisfy our own needs as they arise and to dance with lifeB次元官网网址檚 predicaments, problems and challenges as they appear.

There is nothing more empowering than two people in a relationship committed to looking after their own personal wellbeing B次元官网网址� and doing that.

Even if only one person in relationship practises this skill it makes an enormous difference.

Tip No. 2.

Relationships are an inside job

Most people think a relationship is something that exists B次元官网网址渙ut there,B次元官网网址� outside of themselves.

However consider this: A relationship is not really B次元官网网址渙ut thereB次元官网网址� at all. A relationship exists in what you are saying to yourself, in the thoughts and stories you are collecting, about the other and the relationship. A relationship is an inside job.

In this way, being in a relationship is like growing a garden. Your thoughts, your decisions, your stories, your views and judgments are the seeds that take hold and grow in your garden.

Tend to your garden regularly. Clear weeds that appear. Learn to let grievances judgments and quarrels go, disappear and dissolve. ThatB次元官网网址檚 how you keep your garden soil fresh and clear for new growth.

Tip No. 3.

Your spouse is your friend

Quite naturally, a relationship includes moments of misunderstandings, conflicts, personal reactions and sensitivities.

Given these moments, your partner can begin to feel like an adversary sent to deliver certain trouble and difficulty.

Want to break this pattern? Do it by remembering you began your marriage as friends and you are learning together.

Let this awareness of B次元官网网址渂eing their friendB次元官网网址� colour your actions and watch the difference it makes.

Tip No. 4.

Accept your differences

You and your partner are very different. Have you noticed? Many couples spend a great deal of their time resisting and quarrelling about their differences, trying endlessly to improve, or fix the other.

These efforts to change the other only produce B次元官网网址減rotective circles,B次元官网网址� a feeling of defensiveness and distance, and displace the experience of intimacy.

Consider that part of the spark of a marriage is produced precisely by your differences.

Think of your differences as being like two sides of a coin. They expand and contribute to your range of responses as a couple to life.

Make peace with your differences, accept them, celebrate them B次元官网网址� because you have them.

Tip No. 5.

Intimacy is a creative affair

A relationship is a knowing, understanding and appreciation of another personB次元官网网址檚 way of being. This is the solid foundation the ongoing B次元官网网址渁ctionB次元官网网址� of a relationship.

Notice however, that if you are going to have appreciation and regard, they donB次元官网网址檛 just naturally appear on their own.

To have appreciation and regard in your life, it must be consciously searched for and created.

Then once found, for this to be real, the appreciation needs to be expressed and communicated.

Creating ongoing appreciation and regard, the relationship becomes a creative affair.

pbeckowletstalk@shaw.ca

B次元官网网址擯aul Beckow is an individual, marriage and family therapist on the West Shore. See www.paulbeckow.com.