Sheilan Laing doesnB次元官网网址檛 like to talk about why he doesnB次元官网网址檛 play hockey.
Being unable to lace up his skates and get out there for a good skate B次元官网网址� feeling the wind in his face as he picks up speed, hearing the crunch of his blades cutting into the ice and the sound of teammates and foes battling for the puck B次元官网网址� not playing is a scar that runs deep with the 37 year old Chilliwack man.
When he thinks about why heB次元官网网址檚 not playing, old feelings bubble to the surface, and he relives the moment that forced him to the sidelines.
He feels frustration and anger as the images flash in his mind.
A playoff game in a menB次元官网网址檚 hockey league. A spirited battle along the boards. A vicious and totally unnecessary cross-check to the back of his head by an agitated opponent.
B次元官网网址淚 believe it was the final game of the final playoff series,B次元官网网址� Laing says. B次元官网网址淚 was checking him along the boards, just working hard. I turned around to head off the ice for a line change, and guys from both teams say he hit me from behind in the head.
B次元官网网址淚 was knocked out before I even hit the ice.B次元官网网址�
Laing doesnB次元官网网址檛 remember any of that.
Instead, he remembers sitting in the dressing room crying, and the anguish he felt knowing that he was concussed.
Again.
B次元官网网址淚t wasnB次元官网网址檛 even anger that I felt,B次元官网网址� he says quietly. B次元官网网址淭hat came later. What I felt in that moment was despair because I knew what I was going to have to go through everything all over again.B次元官网网址�
^
^
Laing was no stranger to concussions before that terrible night.
He figures he started down that path in bantam. He was a smaller player then, learning to hit and be hit, and he remembers B次元官网网址渟eeing stars.B次元官网网址�
B次元官网网址淚 was knocked unconscious twice in my first year of bantam,B次元官网网址� he says. B次元官网网址淏ut back then it was kind of, B次元官网网址楪et your mind straight and get back out on the ice.
A few years later, after experiencing a significant growth spurt, Laing found himself playing junior B in Nelson.
He was hammered into the boards by an opponent and knocked out.
B次元官网网址淚 was probably out for a week or a week-and-a-half after that hit and I wasnB次元官网网址檛 feeling good whatsoever, but the team doctors said I was ready to go back in,B次元官网网址� Laing says. B次元官网网址淚 told them I didnB次元官网网址檛 feel right, but it got to the point where the coach said, B次元官网网址業f you donB次元官网网址檛 get back out on the ice, weB次元官网网址檙e going to be looking to trade you.B次元官网网址�
B次元官网网址淪o I got back out there, and within the first 10 minutes of my first game I got flattened by a guy and was concussed again.
B次元官网网址淪everal of my teammates told me later that the coach was yelling, B次元官网网址楪et up you pussy!B次元官网网址橞次元官网网址�
The Nelson coach was true to his word, trading Laing to the Castlegar Rebels soon after. Advised by a non-team affiliated doctor to stop playing hockey, Laing told Castlegar that he was walking away from junior B at 18 years old.
B次元官网网址淎t that point, I couldnB次元官网网址檛 even walk around without getting dizzy,B次元官网网址� he says. B次元官网网址淚 had headaches all the time and the bright lights of a rink made me feel disoriented. That went on for years afterwards and the worst part is I blamed myself. I thought I wasnB次元官网网址檛 B次元官网网址榯ough enoughB次元官网网址� to get through it, and I was the one who quit.B次元官网网址�
Through it all, LaingB次元官网网址檚 love of hockey never wavered.
He stopped because he had to, but he never lost the desire to play.
Laing grew up playing hockey with a lot of guys in Chilliwack, and figured the local menB次元官网网址檚 rec league would be a relatively safe way to scratch the hockey itch. Most of the players he played with and against knew something of his history and recognized that he was at high risk for another concussion.
B次元官网网址淚tB次元官网网址檚 not like there was an unwritten rule to not hit me or anything like that,B次元官网网址� he says. B次元官网网址淏ut guys are pretty respectful about that type of thing. ItB次元官网网址檚 supposed to be non-contact and I was a pretty big guy who could handle himself, but if there was a skirmish IB次元官网网址檇 just turn away or push around a bit and find a way to get out of it.B次元官网网址�
It was six years from leaving junior B to the night he was blindsided in the menB次元官网网址檚 league game.
Laing was now 26 years old, married with his first child on the way.
Laing only missed three works of work after the hit.
The after-effects of the concussion lasted way longer, wreaking havoc in his life.
He found that he could barely remember anything from his childhood, and memory lapses made it difficult to function at work, where he was a construction site foreman.
Depression and anxiety already plagued him, and got much worse as he struggled to regain what was lost.
B次元官网网址淚 resorted to a lot of drinking to get through it,B次元官网网址� he admits. B次元官网网址淭hat took a toll on my marriage.B次元官网网址�
Laing actually started drinking and experimenting with drugs a lot earlier, when he was a teenager in Nelson. ItB次元官网网址檚 a common story with young hockey players who move away from home and experience B次元官网网址榝reedomB次元官网网址� for the first time, encouraged in their excess by teammates who are two or three years older. By the time he left junior B, the alcohol and drugs were as much about self-medicating as anything else.
B次元官网网址淚 didnB次元官网网址檛 know it at the time, I had no idea why I was doing it, but I was depressed and anxious and feeling horrible about myself and the shitty way that it (his hockey career) ended,B次元官网网址� Laing says. B次元官网网址淏y the time it fell apart in Nelson, I was drinking to the point of blacking out,B次元官网网址� Laing says. B次元官网网址淲hen I got back to Chilliwack I just partied for three or four years until I met my wife. Even after that, I was drinking way too much.B次元官网网址�
Up to and following the last concussion, it remained a major issue in his life. When he drank too much, he lost every shred of control. He was emotionally volatile, willing to fight anyone at the drop of a hat and heB次元官网网址檇 lash out at anyone, even his wife.
Fortunately, he married a woman (Jill) who was blessed with tremendous patience.
B次元官网网址淪heB次元官网网址檚 always been there for me,B次元官网网址� he says, smiling. B次元官网网址淢any times our relationship has struggled because of the stuff IB次元官网网址檝e gone through and sheB次元官网网址檚 stood by me. ItB次元官网网址檚 not one thing sheB次元官网网址檚 ever said or done, but I honestly donB次元官网网址檛 think thereB次元官网网址檚 a chance IB次元官网网址檇 be here today without her.B次元官网网址�
In his lowest moments, Laing thought about walking away from life. Thinking about Jill and his two children was all that kept him going.
B次元官网网址淓very day IB次元官网网址檇 be driving down the road and IB次元官网网址檇 think, B次元官网网址業 can just crash into that telephone pole or drive off this bridge, and I came very close,B次元官网网址� he says. B次元官网网址淚 had pills for the depression and anxiety and IB次元官网网址檇 just stare at it thinking, B次元官网网址業 could take the whole bottle.B次元官网网址�
B次元官网网址淚 thought about buying a gun. I thought about hanging myself in my garage. I didnB次元官网网址檛 care about myself and the only thing that brought me back was my wife and kids and thinking about the harm IB次元官网网址檇 be causing them.B次元官网网址�
A turn for the better came when Laing heard a radio advertisement for the Advanced Concussion Clinic in Vancouver.
The specialists were the first to show any understanding of what he was going through.
B次元官网网址淵ou have a broken arm and people can see that youB次元官网网址檙e hurt, but you have a concussion and no one knows how youB次元官网网址檙e feeling inside,B次元官网网址� Laing explains. B次元官网网址淚 went to my family doctor for years and he had no idea what to do with me.
B次元官网网址淪o I drove all the way down to Oak Street in Vancouver on my own dime.B次元官网网址�
Since walking through the doors to that clinic, Laing has learned a ton about concussions and how to cope with the physical and mental havoc they create.
B次元官网网址淏ut I donB次元官网网址檛 think you ever feel normal again, you just feel like youB次元官网网址檙e a little better,B次元官网网址� he says. B次元官网网址淭his last year, especially since I quit drinking alcohol, I think itB次元官网网址檚 given my brain more of an opportunity to heal. IB次元官网网址檝e worked on a lot of mental stuff through it all, therapy and everything, and I feel better than I have since I was 17.B次元官网网址�
But there are still times when he doesnB次元官网网址檛 feel well.
Eleven years later, there are moments when he struggles to remember the name of someone he met just five minutes ago.
He has a day planner. He literally writes everything down, because he has to.
B次元官网网址淯nless I write it down, IB次元官网网址檒l forget,B次元官网网址� he says. B次元官网网址淭here are times when I go into a room with people IB次元官网网址檝e met a dozen times and I canB次元官网网址檛 remember their name, and there are times when I canB次元官网网址檛 remember the name of a certain product or pipe that IB次元官网网址檝e used for 15 years. I canB次元官网网址檛 get the word out and it gets embarrassing and frustrating because now theyB次元官网网址檙e thinking I donB次元官网网址檛 know what IB次元官网网址檓 talking about. And thatB次元官网网址檚 where anxiety comes in.B次元官网网址�
Playing hockey again? Still a dream.
Laing attempted to come back a couple times, playing four games here or five games there.
B次元官网网址淏ut I just couldnB次元官网网址檛 do it, because I get disoriented when my heart-rate gets too high,B次元官网网址� he laments. B次元官网网址淭he last time I tried, I was out there for a shift and one of my teammates said, B次元官网网址榥ice passB次元官网网址� and I didnB次元官网网址檛 even know what they were talking about. They could see it. They could see that I wasnB次元官网网址檛 the same player anymore.
There was a point when revenge was on LaingB次元官网网址檚 mind and the only thing he thought about was getting back onto the ice so he could challenge the guy whose cheap shot triggered this nightmare.
He admits he even took steroids for a while, because the guy heB次元官网网址檇 be going after B次元官网网址渋s a mean and tough cat.B次元官网网址�
Nowadays, heB次元官网网址檚 about forgiveness.
The man who did this too him has apologized many times since, pretty much every time the two run into each other in public.
A more mature Laing says lifeB次元官网网址檚 too short to hold grudges, even well-deserved ones.
But that doesnB次元官网网址檛 mean heB次元官网网址檚 cool with how it happened, how it was allowed to happen, and how it could happen again.
B次元官网网址淎 lot of the guys in the rec league have played rep or junior hockey their whole lives, so they have that competitiveness in them,B次元官网网址� he explains. B次元官网网址淣ear the end of the year and into playoffs, we understand that it gets amped up a bit. ThereB次元官网网址檚 a little more body. A little more stick-work. Emotions run a little higher and weB次元官网网址檙e totally find with that. I was involved in that too.
B次元官网网址淏ut when it comes to cheap shots from behind or taking a guyB次元官网网址檚 knee out, thatB次元官网网址檚 unacceptable.B次元官网网址�
The solution, he says, must be a zero tolerance policy, especially for hits to the head.
B次元官网网址淔irst offence, gone for the rest of the year. Second offence, gone for good,B次元官网网址� Laing says with conviction. B次元官网网址淭hese are all guys trying to earn a living right? You canB次元官网网址檛 be taking three or four months off to recover from an injury. You get a guy who hip-checks someone and breaks his leg or dislocates his knee, and the guy whoB次元官网网址檚 hit canB次元官网网址檛 go to work for four months. What do you do about that? ThatB次元官网网址檚 not right.B次元官网网址�
When Laing comes back, as he eventually still plans to do, he hopes to come back to a league that is safer that the one he left.
B次元官网网址淚 do miss it a lot,B次元官网网址� he says wistfully. B次元官网网址淚 love the smell of the rink. I love walking in there and smelling the ice. The concession. The hockey gear. Say itB次元官网网址檚 weird, but those are the smells IB次元官网网址檝e grown up with my whole life. I love the people. I love being on the ice skating as fast as I can for a loose puck. Scoring goals. Making a big play. All those things. Being on the ice or in the dressing room, just joking around. You miss that stuff.B次元官网网址�
And now that heB次元官网网址檚 finally putting his story out in the open, Laing also hopes that other concussion victims realize that theyB次元官网网址檙e not alone.
B次元官网网址淚B次元官网网址檓 at the point now where IB次元官网网址檓 feeling better about myself and I can be a positive influence for someone whoB次元官网网址檚 might be going through exactly what IB次元官网网址檝e been through,B次元官网网址� he says. B次元官网网址淚f anyone reaches out to me, IB次元官网网址檇 love to help them get through it quicker than I did, because it took a very long time for me.B次元官网网址�
eric.welsh@theprogress.com
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