When COVID-19 swept across the country last spring, forcing lockdowns and cancelling sporting events, Canadian mountain biker Haley SmithB次元官网网址檚 response was swift B次元官网网址� train harder.
The aspiring Olympian didnB次元官网网址檛 realize that the laser-like focus would result in a breakdown.
B次元官网网址淚 just squeezed too hard. I eliminated the fun stuff. I was only a training machine. And I paid for it,B次元官网网址� she said.
The 27-year-old Smith has spent months working her way back from B次元官网网址渞ock bottomB次元官网网址� and is now sharing her story as part of Bell LetB次元官网网址檚 Talk Day to help spark conversations about mental health.
It isnB次元官网网址檛 the first time sheB次元官网网址檚 talked publicly about her journey. For years the native of Uxbridge, Ont., has spoken to high-school groups and athletes about her experience living with anxiety and overcoming a life-threatening eating disorder that saw her hospitalized at 14.
She talked about mental illness as if it were something in her past.
Then came the pandemic.
With daily life upended and much of the racing season scrapped, Smith turned her focus to getting as fit as possible in a bid to secure a spot at the Tokyo Olympics. There were weeks were she trained for more than 26 hours.
By fall, she had developed insomnia and an anxious twitch in her leg. Her heart raced, even when she was resting. Old habits of severely restricting food crept back into her life.
Rock bottom came in October when she was set to compete in four World Cup races in six days. But Smith couldnB次元官网网址檛 complete the second race, forced to settle for a B次元官网网址渄id not finishB次元官网网址� result.
B次元官网网址淚 had a complete breakdown that night. Full crisis mode,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淭hat was it. Not being able to get myself across the finish line of that race was the indicator that, OK, somethingB次元官网网址檚 not right.B次元官网网址�
Smith was physically, spiritually and emotionally drained as she returned to Canada and began her 14-day quarantine. For the first time in her career, she had to spend two full weeks away from her bike.
In Europe, Smith had realized she was in trouble. But now locked down, she had to face her self-destructive habits head on.
The time reminds her of being hospitalized at 14.
B次元官网网址淚 had to eliminate exercise. I had to deal with eating. B次元官网网址� I had to fully shut out thoughts of racing because it was the end of the year,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淚t was very much a cold turkey.B次元官网网址�
While challenging, the harsh realities she faced in quarantine kickstarted SmithB次元官网网址檚 recovery. SheB次元官网网址檚 spent the past four months gradually working her way back to a place where sheB次元官网网址檚 happier and healthier, and her approach to mountain biking is more balanced.
B次元官网网址淚tB次元官网网址檚 been scary and really difficult,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淏ut I feel the best IB次元官网网址檝e felt in two years. I feel like I have energy to do things physically and emotionally. I feel like my baseline level of joy or emotion is so much higher that I feel like a different person now.
B次元官网网址淏ut it was a very incremental thing. Tiny little things got better every day.B次元官网网址�
SmithB次元官网网址檚 recovery has included resuming sessions with her sports psychologist and a psychiatrist, and adding a sports physiologist to her team.
Her physiologistB次元官网网址檚 first observation was that she simply wasnB次元官网网址檛 eating enough. Smith made adjustments and has found that the added fuel has had a huge impact on her mountain biking.
B次元官网网址淲hen IB次元官网网址檓 training now, for the first time in two years, IB次元官网网址檓 seeing improvement. B次元官网网址� For a long time, I thought I was maybe just at my ceiling. And now itB次元官网网址檚 become apparent that IB次元官网网址檓 not at my ceiling,B次元官网网址� she said.
Not only does she have more energy and feel stronger, Smith feels better mentally, too.
B次元官网网址淭rainingB次元官网网址檚 just more enjoyable now,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淥bviously itB次元官网网址檚 still very challenging and there are a lot of days that I donB次元官网网址檛 want to be on my bike. But for the most part, it feels fulfilling. And I just feel strong and solid again.B次元官网网址�
SheB次元官网网址檚 also overcome a silent fear.
Because she started competitive mountain biking as a teenager, Smith had long been self conscious that she didnB次元官网网址檛 actually enjoy her sport and was only continuing to pursue it due to her highly competitive, stubborn nature.
B次元官网网址淚B次元官网网址檝e never really ridden my bike not for training,B次元官网网址� she explained.
ThatB次元官网网址檚 changed in recent months as she recovered and the world around her remained gripped by the pandemic.
B次元官网网址淚n the last year, IB次元官网网址檝e actually realized that I love to ride my bike,B次元官网网址� said Smith, whoB次元官网网址檚 now living and training in bike-friendly Victoria, B.C. B次元官网网址淲hether itB次元官网网址檚 a road bike or a mountain bike or whatever sort of terrain itB次元官网网址檚 on, it actually brings me a lot of happiness.B次元官网网址�
SmithB次元官网网址檚 sights are still set on making her Olympic debut in Tokyo B次元官网网址� sheB次元官网网址檚 just adjusted the focus to the things she can control.
No longer is she checking the daily COVID-19 case numbers or focusing on the minutiae of the pandemic. Instead, sheB次元官网网址檚 following rules and regulations and regularly checking in with herself about how the ongoing global situation makes her feel.
Smith continues to train and, if the international mountain biking season goes as planned, sheB次元官网网址檒l race in two World Cup races in May that will count toward Olympic qualifying.
Races from 2019 will also count and her third-place world cup finish from Nove Mesto, Czech Republic last May could secure her spot on the Canadian team set to compete in Tokyo.
B次元官网网址淚B次元官网网址檓 planning as if IB次元官网网址檓 going to be (at the Olympics) because thatB次元官网网址檚 really the only way I can operate,B次元官网网址� she said.
Gemma Karstens-Smith, The Canadian Press
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