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Rickter Scale: I can never apologize enough

The Rickter Scale is a weekly column
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(Photo courtesy of Rick Stiebel)

Rick Stiebel/Columnist

IB次元官网网址檓 white. IB次元官网网址檓 male. IB次元官网网址檓 straight. IB次元官网网址檓 sorry.

ItB次元官网网址檚 probably best to begin this blanket apology to everyone IB次元官网网址檝e offended from the very beginning. IB次元官网网址檓 sorry for revelling in the excessive violence of the cartoons that shaped my unsupervised childhood on Saturday mornings, even though I would have liked to see Wiley Coyote just once get his paws around that roadrunnerB次元官网网址檚 scrawny neck.

I apologize for treating my body like a Play Station instead of a temple, especially throughout a protracted puberty and unfortunately far beyond.

I apologize to everyone regardless of their race, religious beliefs or ethnicity who were the unwilling butt of jokes I laughed at, shared or both, with the possible exception of Norwegians who somehow managed to escape my racist slurs.

IB次元官网网址檓 sorry for that as well because itB次元官网网址檚 probably only because IB次元官网网址檝e never been to Norway or met someone from that country.

IB次元官网网址檓 sorry for offending anyone based on their sexual preferences or practices in public or private, especially those previously perceived as perverse.

I apologize to former employers who took offence to my constant questioning of authority, even though I always wrote B次元官网网址渁buse of powerB次元官网网址 in the likes and dislikes section of job applications that would never survive the cut of politically correct editing today.

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Most of all, IB次元官网网址檓 sorry for not being able to control that portion of my Neanderthal brain, a burden most men will carry to their graves.

ItB次元官网网址檚 extremely important for me to apologize to the superior gender, and thank each and every one for evolving in a way that enables you to tolerate the long list of male shortcomings.

Please continue to find the wisdom, patience and strength to treat us as the works in progress that we are, and unfortunately will remain due to sub-human forces beyond our control.

Believe me, itB次元官网网址檚 not easy being us, although thatB次元官网网址檚 still no excuse for our behaviour.

Finally, I hereby apologize to any Trump supporters, politicians, priests or cyclists that may have been offended in previously published Rickter Scales, and please be advised this applies to future columns as well.

To summarize, I am truly truly sorry for saying anything a single molecule of which may be deemed as offensive to any woman, man, child or animal, past, present or future. Do note, however, that this apology does not apply to Bruins, Leafs or Flyers fans, especially during the playoffs.

Please consider this column in its entirety hereby copyrighted for when I finally find the time to get around to launching that line of apology T-shirts IB次元官网网址檝e been thinking about for a long time, i.e. IB次元官网网址檓 white, male, etc. etc. If I inadvertently missed anyone with my litany of apologies, IB次元官网网址檒l save you a spot on the shirts. Right after I add IB次元官网网址檓 sorry for smoking.

Rick Stiebel is a semi-retired local journalist.


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