One week into my diet and IB次元官网网址檓 struggling.

Scratch that, IB次元官网网址檓 not supposed to call it a diet.

ItB次元官网网址檚 a B次元官网网址渉ealthy eating initiativeB次元官网网址� in which I have no desire to change my body because I already love myself regardless of the way I look.

Did that sound better?

The past several years have been really cool as far as body positivity. There are so many incredible role models coming forward for both men and women, such as Megan (BodyPosiPanda), January Harshe and Constance Hall.

They are incredible women, brave women. Women that have done so much for the entire world, really.

They are battling. They are at the front lines, telling people where to stick their opinions and closed minds.

They pose in their undies. They flash their cellulite. They dance it out and get that jiggle wave going.

They do all of that to show us that our bodies arenB次元官网网址檛 something to be ashamed of. To show us that we arenB次元官网网址檛 B次元官网网址済ross.B次元官网网址� We arenB次元官网网址檛 B次元官网网址渇reaksB次元官网网址� or B次元官网网址渄isgustingB次元官网网址� or B次元官网网址渦gly.B次元官网网址�

We are just people. Just normal people with bodies and stories and feelings and lives. Humility.

I love it.

I have so much respect for them, for that courage and for that message. I have so much appreciation for the path that theyB次元官网网址檙e paving but I still feel shame. I feel shame because I donB次元官网网址檛 love myself. I havenB次元官网网址檛 found that peace, that they have. I havenB次元官网网址檛 accepted that message for myself.

READ MORE: MommyB次元官网网址檚 Inside Voice

I think IB次元官网网址檓 a good person. Actually, I think IB次元官网网址檓 a great person.

If I wasnB次元官网网址檛 me, I would want to be friends with me.

IB次元官网网址檓 romantic and supportive. I bake some killer chocolate doughnuts, I tell dumb jokes that sometimes make people smile. I have good boobs and pretty eyes and my eyebrow-drawing skills are second to none. IB次元官网网址檓 loyal, IB次元官网网址檓 good at puzzles, and I will always tell you the truth (just sugar-coated enough to make it bearable).

Yet, still no self-love.

Looking in the mirror is hard for me. The cellulite on my thighs makes me cringe and the idea of being in a bathing suit causes days worth of anxiety. IB次元官网网址檓 not comfortable in most of my clothing and tug at my T-shirt if it touches my mummy-tummy.

I avoid looking at my reflection in windows, I wear two pairs of Spanx B次元官网网址� yes two B次元官网网址� anytime itB次元官网网址檚 not appropriate for me to wear a gigantic hoodie or jacket.

I doubt myself.

I doubt compliments from my husband. I doubt my reactions to situations. I doubt my voice, and itB次元官网网址檚 validity to the world.

You see, life hasnB次元官网网址檛 always been so easy on me. IB次元官网网址檝e survived bullying. Horrendous, hide-away, suicide thoughts, type of bullying. IB次元官网网址檝e been called fat, ugly, worthless.

IB次元官网网址檝e been told IB次元官网网址檓 not enough. Not talented enough, not small enough, not pretty enough.

I have survived abuse. Physical, emotional, and sexual.

I have been cheated on, dumped, heartbroken and humiliated.

But I have survived.

That in itself is pretty incredible. I have gone through all of that and I weathered it like a champ!

I coped the best that I could. I found peace where I was able and let the rest go, enough to keep truckinB次元官网网址�. Sometimes I ate for comfort, sometimes I ate for celebration. I learned, I grieved and I burnt bridges, built bridges, and flew over bridges.

IB次元官网网址檓 still here. And though IB次元官网网址檓 not where I want to be yet, IB次元官网网址檓 learning to appreciate the journey and the point IB次元官网网址檓 at in it. IB次元官网网址檓 learning that the whole idea behind what those incredible women are doing and saying is not to compare.

Not to compare to the 90 pound model in the magazine. Not to compare to my mother in law. And not to compare to them, the B次元官网网址渂opo queens.B次元官网网址�

So, here I am.

Telling you B次元官网网址� all of you B次元官网网址� in the middle of your B次元官网网址渟elf-loveB次元官网网址� journey, that IB次元官网网址檓 right there with you.

That I feel shame. Shame for my downfalls and my failures. Shame that IB次元官网网址檓 not always the person that I want to be, and shame that I donB次元官网网址檛 love myself as much as I B次元官网网址渟hould.B次元官网网址�

But I also feel pride. Pride for all that I have survived. Pride for the lessons that I have taken out of bad situations. And pride for the acknowledgement that IB次元官网网址檓 giving myself for being on my way towards where I want to be.

Hats off to us babes. We are alive, and kickinB次元官网网址�, despite everything that has fought for the opposite.

We rock, no matter what point weB次元官网网址檙e at in our adventure towards being comfy with our pudgy bellies out.

MommyB次元官网网址檚 Inside Voice is a bi-weekly column by Amie Jay, a local mother of three.

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