Amie Jay/Columnist

I have often wondered if thereB次元官网网址檚 something wrong with me, as a mother. I look around in awe at my peers, these superhero moms with unbelievable powers of patience and domestication. The ones that show up to school drop off with time to spare and pants that donB次元官网网址檛 have an elastic waistband. Their children with fresh, trendy haircuts and not a jam-hand-smear in sight. Apparently B次元官网网址渘apkin pantsB次元官网网址� are only a thing at our house.

Hikes and exotic family vacations, tackling Pinterest projects that somehow donB次元官网网址檛 end in yelling and glitter bits in someoneB次元官网网址檚 eye. Spearheading PTA meetings and birthing tiny Picassos while IB次元官网网址檓 just struggling to find leggings that still fit and donB次元官网网址檛 have a tiny hole in the bum seam.

These women, these incredible women, portraying the exact type of mother that I always imagined that I would be. Gentle and affectionate. Thoughtful, patient and creative. Watching them with awe, IB次元官网网址檓 somehow hyper-aware of the contrasts in our pictures. How do they do it? Balance it all, juggling the life and the chaos and still make it look so effortless? Then thereB次元官网网址檚 me, over here feeling exhausted.

And frustrated.

Inadequate, dehydrated and almost always with at least a tinge of a headache.

READ MORE: MommyB次元官网网址檚 Inside Voice

Trying to hide in the linen closet, leaning against the sloppy stacks of bedding just to catch my breath. The noise! The mess! The constant need for my attention or my service or my touch. Sometimes itB次元官网网址檚 suffocating. Saturation of tiny hands pulling at mine, making me feel desperate for solitude.

WhatB次元官网网址檚 wrong with me? Why canB次元官网网址檛 I be one of those superhero moms? The endlessly patient, gentle and loving ones? Well, see, hereB次元官网网址檚 the thing.

My first baby went through a period of traumatic purple crying. Mysterious screaming lasting morning, noon and night, explained by several different medical professionals as nothing more than a B次元官网网址渄evelopmental milestoneB次元官网网址� that would simply pass when it was over. A phase that mercilessly threw me into the deep end without a life jacket, brand new mom to a baby that screamed from the age of three weeks until six months old.

The peaceful bliss that followed lasted little more than a week before I was hit with a thick wave of morning sickness from my next pregnancy. Chasing after a scuttling new crawler with a puke bucket in one hand, the exhaustion was only just beginning. Watching my baby boy grow while I worked hard to grow his brother, then I did it all over again. I had my first baby when I was 22 and had my third little boy less than three years later.

I could hardly take care of myself at that point in my life. I was practically a child when I was graced with three of my own, so close together, and the learning curve was steep. My initiation into motherhood was fierce and unapologetic, the most demanding role of my life overwhelming me from the very beginning. My childhood. My adolescence. My young adulthood and my journey into motherhood, theyB次元官网网址檙e all unique. My experiences may be similar to those of others, but theyB次元官网网址檙e mine. The ways that I interpret them, the effects that they have on me. The lessons that I take and the ways that I choose to use them B次元官网网址� all unique to me.

So, I can compare myself all I want, I guess. I can question why my best doesnB次元官网网址檛 seem as good as someone elseB次元官网网址檚 best, beat myself up about who and what IB次元官网网址檓 not. Or I can just acknowledge what I am. How far I have come and the richness that my experiences bring to my life and the lives of my babies.

My boys may not have sparkling baseboards or a mom that can bake healthy brownies that donB次元官网网址檛 end up tasting like lawn trimmings. I raise my voice more often than IB次元官网网址檇 like to admit and my minivan smells a little bit like compost. But my babies know the joy of a spontaneous tickle fight. They know that the secret to giving the best hugs is how tight you squeeze and that having a good cry is never something to be ashamed of. They get to inherit the gifts of both my mistakes and my victories, deciphering them in their own style.

I can weather the brutality of my own self-judgment and the obscure opinions of others by simply understanding my journey to get here. Always looking to better myself, but remembering that my kids think IB次元官网网址檓 pretty freaking awesome just as I am. They know that theyB次元官网网址檙e loved fiercely and cherished indefinitely. For those reasons alone, I can hold my head high, knowing that I am exactly the mom my kids need me to be. Even when IB次元官网网址檓 tucked away in the linen closet.

MommyB次元官网网址檚 Inside Voice is a bi-weekly column by Amie Jay, a local mother of three.

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