Robyn Thomas was told she may never recover.

She was told her mental illness was so severe she might never again hold down a job, sustain a long-term relationship, and may need sedatives for the rest of her life. The trauma of sexualized violence combined with mental illness had her at a crisis point, her mother was even sleeping in front of her bedroom door at night to protect Thomas from herself.

B次元官网网址淚 tried to jump off a ferry, I tried to exit a moving car, I eventually tried to escape from my seventh-storey window,B次元官网网址� Thomas said. B次元官网网址淎nd that is when my mom had to call the police and they took me back to the psych ward.B次元官网网址�

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ThomasB次元官网网址� history of mental illness started at ten. As a child, she couldnB次元官网网址檛 stop thinking about the symmetry of her body, her hair, the way her stomach moved when she breathed. Intrusive and debilitating thoughts took over when she saw something a-symmetrical in herself. If someone yelled into one of her ears, she would ask them to yell into her other ear, the mirrors in her house had become an unhealthy obsession.

B次元官网网址淚 would just be stuck in front of the mirror for sometimes hours at a time, every single day,B次元官网网址� Thomas said. B次元官网网址淎nd just being unable to step away.B次元官网网址�

In public, she learned to avert her gaze from reflective surfaces. She avoided mirrors, store windows and car windshields in case she saw her own reflection. As a teenager, she began to cut her herself, never too deep, just enough to B次元官网网址渆xternalize her internal pain.B次元官网网址� Sometime she would wander downtown Vancouver alone at two or three a.m., not caring if something would happen to her.

B次元官网网址�(I) remember hearing this voice telling me I didnB次元官网网址檛 deserve to be here and I would never get out of this hell that I was in,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淚 remember looking in the mirror and not even recognizing who that person was.B次元官网网址�

As a young adult Thomas suffered in private, working as a restaurant server and auditioning for acting gigs when she could. She didnB次元官网网址檛 share her pain with friends, her deepening shame exacerbated her pain, manifesting in suicidal thoughts.

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B次元官网网址淧eople often think that suicide is this selfish thing, B次元官网网址榟ow could you do that to your family?B次元官网网址� But in my brain when I have been depressed, it tricks me into thinking literally everyone would be better off without me,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淪o it would be the kind thing to do.B次元官网网址�

Thomas said trauma compounded her mental health challenges. Instances of sexualized violence, sexual harassment and being threatened at knifepoint forced her to leave her restaurant job. Seeking justice through the BC Human Rights Tribunal turned into an ordeal and didnB次元官网网址檛 yield the support she expected.

B次元官网网址淓ven the mediator from the Human Rights Tribunal, who was a man, told me to drop the case because I should be afraid for my life,B次元官网网址� Thomas said. B次元官网网址淭hat was really shocking to me. I wanted to stand up for myself and do this to protect women after me because I knew this wasnB次元官网网址檛 a one time incident with this man.B次元官网网址�

Despite seeing her restaurant co-worker fired, the year-long process was heavy, stressful, taking a mental and emotional toll, her mental health was further tested when she was sexually assaulted on a trip to Morocco. She only escaped her assailant by defending herself with a rock to his head.

B次元官网网址淭hat experience was the straw that kind of made everything fall apart,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址� I had really bad suicidal thoughts and was making plans to end things. So one night I took myself to the emergency room,B次元官网网址� she said.

ThomasB次元官网网址� life had hit a crisis, both ashamed of her illness and feeling guilt for what she had put her family and then boyfriend through, she couldnB次元官网网址檛 even leave the hospital she checked herself into. Looking back she says her suffering has turned into a blessing.

B次元官网网址淔or me mental illness has been this amazing teacher and when we are given this narrative (that) B次元官网网址業t is a terrible shameful thing and it means you are broken for lifeB次元官网网址� then we get trapped in that,B次元官网网址� Thomas said. B次元官网网址淪o I am grateful for everything I went through because it has made me a better person and made me treat myself a lot betterB次元官网网址� How to be compassionate to myself.B次元官网网址�

Now a manager for the Victoria chapter of the Stigma-Free Society, she advocates for acceptance and understanding of mental illness. Thomas shares her personal challenges, travelling from school to school connecting with youth about the importance of a stigma-free society. Her job and a renewed sense of purpose has helped transform what was once shame into hope for anyone else suffering in silence.

B次元官网网址淒efine your own story, be compassionate with yourself,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淔orgive yourself for what is not even your fault,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淚tB次元官网网址檚 a liberating thing when you can let all of that go and have compassion for ourselves and what we have been through.B次元官网网址�

For more information on the Stigma-Free Society or their programs visit

arnold.lim@blackpress.ca
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