ItB次元官网网址檚 not hard to compare suicide to a bomb.
Like a bomb, suicide happens with abrupt violence, obliterating the centre and leaving a gaping hole.
Like a bomb it creates a jagged pile of rubble that survivors are forced to pick through and repair in its wake.
And like a bomb it can spawn clefts and fissures that may not be immediately apparent to the naked eye and take a lifetime to patch.
Suicide happens about 100 times a year on Vancouver Island and the community places a great deal of emphasis on stopping these bombs from exploding.
But what about those people in the blast radius, those who are left cleaning up the aftermath and picking at the shards? How do they recover?
Matt Dunae lost his dad when he was a teenager.
His brother took his own life with a rifle blast in 2007, a day after telling Matt over lunch that he had bought a gun. Within two years of that devastating event, Dunae lost two of his best friends.
In the immediate aftermath of this hellish time, Dunae drowned his pain with alcohol and lashed out at those around him. He ping-ponged between anger, sadness and guilt. And yes, taking his own life was something that crossed his mind.
It has not been an easy journey. But Dunae is still here.
Heather Owen is the community relations co-ordinator for the Vancouver Island Crisis Line and the former facilitator of its suicide bereavement support group. ItB次元官网网址檚 a field she gravitated to after dealing with a suicide in her own life.
She said healing is about time, patience and and an often lengthy quest for understanding.
B次元官网网址淚t takes a while for people to even reach out. It takes a long time to get to normalcy,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淲ith suicide, itB次元官网网址檚 sudden. ItB次元官网网址檚 always sudden and itB次元官网网址檚 violent. ItB次元官网网址檚 not like an illness when you have a chance to prepare yourself.
B次元官网网址淭he ripple effect is so large, often times the people around the family donB次元官网网址檛 get help. Maybe itB次元官网网址檚 a best friend, an ex-girlfriend B次元官网网址� all of those people that may have had an emotional connection. IB次元官网网址檓 sure it took me 18 years to get over that guilt.B次元官网网址�
And there is guilt for most people who have lost a loved one to suicide. And often anger, or shame, or other B次元官网网址� sometimes surprising B次元官网网址� emotions.
People wonder what they could have done differently, or what signs they missed. They point fingers and place blame on others for the things those people did or didnB次元官网网址檛 do. They feel embarrassed or ashamed that they are being judged by the community for the actions of their loved ones. Sometimes they even feel a sense of relief that the pain preceding the suicide is over.
B次元官网网址淥bviously anger is one of the first emotions, and definitely guilt,B次元官网网址� Dunae said. B次元官网网址淸Losing] my bother was devastating. I still have trouble talking about it even though I talk about it all the time. I coped with alcohol for a while. I lashed out. I was just not caring.B次元官网网址�
The Canadian Mental Health Association says people need to acknowledge their feelings in order to move forward.
B次元官网网址淣ot moving forward is dangerous; it can cause mental and physical illness and can tear families and friendships apart. It can stop people from coming to terms with the suicide. You must face your feelings before you can work them out,B次元官网网址� reads a on the CMHA Toronto website.
DonB次元官网网址檛 expect your friends and family to react the same way you are, or the way you think they should.
B次元官网网址淚tB次元官网网址檚 complex. Everyone copes in a different way,B次元官网网址� Dunae said. B次元官网网址淭here is nothing you can do or say.B次元官网网址�
And then there is that omnipresent question: why?
In , the Victoria Hospice Society writes that many people will replay the same questions again and again to the exclusion of anything else.
B次元官网网址淵ou may have an insatiable need to examine every possible reason why your loved one chose suicide,B次元官网网址� the literature states. B次元官网网址淵ou are trying to answer unanswerable questions, trying to understand how [they] could have chosen this traumatic final way to solve [their] problems.B次元官网网址�
Owen said people can fall into the pattern on fixating on one thing B次元官网网址� even when the big picture is usually far more complicated B次元官网网址� because it helps them make sense of a situation they canB次元官网网址檛 understand.
Suicide is never the result of one thing.
B次元官网网址淚tB次元官网网址檚 actually the combination of all these things that happened,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淏ad things happen all the time. Relationships end all the time. People move on.B次元官网网址�
The complete answer to your 'why' may never come, but in time you may discover an answer that allows you to move on.
B次元官网网址淵ou just learn to live with it. We tell people to keep asking those questions until you donB次元官网网址檛 need to ask them anymore,B次元官网网址� Owen said.
B次元官网网址淒o what you need to do to get through that day. Find a moment of peace and try to build on it. If rituals are helpful, keep doing them. If itB次元官网网址檚 painful, then let those things go.B次元官网网址�
Dunae credits his friends B次元官网网址� and particularly his now-wife B次元官网网址� for sticking with him through the darkest times no matter how hard he tried to alienate them.
B次元官网网址淪he just wouldnB次元官网网址檛 let go. I tried to push her away,B次元官网网址� he said. B次元官网网址淚f I didnB次元官网网址檛 have my friends, I wouldnB次元官网网址檛 be here. Surround yourself with as much support as possible.B次元官网网址�
He also slowly found his 'thing.'
A hiphop musician known as , he poured himself into his art. Others may use therapy sessions with a counsellor, or exercise, or writing to help process their pain.
Dunae also got involved with the Vancouver Island Crisis Society. He initially stumbled into an event it hosted in downtown Nanaimo. Later he started volunteering and he now works for the VICS as a community education trainer, reaching out to schools and the community to bring awareness about suicide.
He said under school programs spearheaded by Lyndsay Wells, the society's increased efforts have led to calls, texts and chats from youth growing by 800 per cent.
B次元官网网址淗elping others is a great way to help yourself,B次元官网网址� Dunae said. B次元官网网址淚 know for a fact we are saving peopleB次元官网网址檚 lives.B次元官网网址�
Now 34, nine years after losing his brother, he says the best things those attempting to support suicide survivors can do is to learn to listen with empathy.
B次元官网网址淭here is nothing you can do to fix them. You can let them know you can relate and help them walk the path. The best things you can do is say B次元官网网址業 canB次元官网网址檛 imagine what you are going throughB次元官网网址� and B次元官网网址業 am really glad that you shared that with me.B次元官网网址橞次元官网网址�
Years of counselling have taught Owen that a friendB次元官网网址檚 role is neither to judge nor to fix; it is simply to be there and to listen.
B次元官网网址淧eople say B次元官网网址業 donB次元官网网址檛 know what to say.B次元官网网址� DonB次元官网网址檛 say anything. They need to cry. They need to let go. They need the memories,B次元官网网址� she said. B次元官网网址淚t wasnB次元官网网址檛 about what I said. It was about what I allowed them to say.B次元官网网址�
Counselling may be helpful, but the key is simply being there when people need to be heard.
B次元官网网址淚 would say support is always good, but we should never force someone to counselling. Let it happen when people are ready,B次元官网网址� Owen said.B次元官网网址淚tB次元官网网址檚 something we need to talk about. It is not unusual for people to feel overwhelmed.B次元官网网址�
Dunae says it is hard for him to give advice to survivors since so many people heal in different ways. But there are two things he sees as being common in every recovery: share your burdens and keep moving forward.
B次元官网网址淚 donB次元官网网址檛 think that with a suicide you fully ever come to terms because they didnB次元官网网址檛 do it on your terms,B次元官网网址� he said.
B次元官网网址淒onB次元官网网址檛 give up on yourself and remember that the one who is gone is always with you. Unpack. ThatB次元官网网址檚 what it comes down to. ItB次元官网网址檚 not easy. But it can get easier.B次元官网网址�
If you need support, call the Vancouver Island Crisis line toll-free at 1-888-494-3888. More information is available at
As a Friend, What Should I Do?
B次元官网网址� Try to understand and be patient.
B次元官网网址� Do not ignore or overwhelm.
B次元官网网址� Never blame anyone
B次元官网网址� Do not try to accelerate the process of bereavement.
B次元官网网址� Be available to listen or to help out with the chores.
B次元官网网址� Encourage counselling, or a support group.
B次元官网网址� Acknowledge your friendB次元官网网址檚 feelings.
B次元官网网址� Canadian Mental Health Society
Suicide rate by community
1 Port McNeill-Hardy 235
2 Campbell River 167
3 Zeballos-Tahsis-Gold River 153
4 Cowichan 148
5 Ladysmith-Chemainus 139
6 Comox Valley 127
7 Victoria-Esquimalt 126
8 Alberni-Tofino-Ucluelet 125
9 Nanaimo 106
10 Sooke and Western Communities 103
11 Saanich Peninsula 84
12 Parksville-Qualicum 79
13 Lake Cowichan 58
B次元官网网址� Island Health, score expressed as a percentage of the expected rate
Suicide rate by age
10-19: 23.8
20-29: 68.9
30-39: 83.8
40-49: 108.7
50-59: 103
60-69: 53.9
70-79: 34.9
80+: 24.3
Men commit suicide at about three times the rate of women.
B次元官网网址� B.C. CoronerB次元官网网址檚 service, numbers indicate the average number of suicides per 100,000 people across the province over a 10-year period ending in 2011.
